Monday football funnies

Mike Mulligan of the Chicago Sun-Times: after the Bears’ 36-10 loss to Minnesota: “Jay Cutler looked a lot better on Sunday than he has virtually the whole season. He didn't play all that well, mind you, but he wore a coat and tie to the interview room after the game instead of retreating further and further under a baseball cap, as he has done after most games.”

Adapted form DJ Gallo:
By kickoff of their next game one will be able to say of the NYG, "They have won once in the past 54 days." PLAYOFFS! You want to talk about PLAYOFFS? Here's to their good luck.

Plucked wholly from same:
"I don't think God is cruel enough to let Aaron Rodgers sit at home while Brett Favre is in the playoffs. No, God wants Favre to beat the Packers in the playoffs, too."

From http://www.cbssports.com:
Josh Katzowitz: With Larry Johnson and Bernard Scott combining for 194 yards rushing, injured back Cedric Benson was asked how the Bengals would divide the carries once he recovers. "That's a weird question," he said. "I wasn't aware I had to share time."

From Gregg Eaterbrook:

Mr. President -- Americans Don't Bow to Royalty! The right-wing wing-nut faction is blasting Barack Obama for bowing to His Imperial Majesty the Emperor. That's how you are supposed to address the guy; you are not supposed to speak his name, Akihito. The wing-nuts are correct in this case: Americans, do not bow before royalty! That has pretty much been our policy for the past 233 years. Only the Japanese can say why Japan should still have a royal figurehead, much less with the goofy title "emperor." The United Kingdom, the Netherlands, Sweden and other nations can say why figurehead royalty still exists. But Americans don't bow to aristocrats. Our national spirit rejects the legitimacy of inherited positions.

Local custom, you say? TMQ does not much like Dick Cheney, but when he met Akihito in 2007, they shook hands. When Norman Schwarzkopf received an honorary knighthood in 1991, he said he would do so only if he were not required to kneel, because Americans do not prostrate themselves before royalty, even the royalty of good friends. Elizabeth II gave Schwarzkopf a box containing emblems of his knighthood, then they shook hands. If Akihito had bowed back to Obama, maybe that would have been OK as local custom. (You take turns bowing in Japanese culture.) If Obama had bowed to Prime Minister Yukio Hatoyama, the democratically elected leader of Japan, and Hatoyama had bowed back, that would have been fine -- Hatoyama represents the free choice of his people. For the democratically elected leader of the United States to humble himself before a royal who acquired his wealth and status entirely by accident of birth, while the "emperor" looks on smiling, is outlandish.

"is [Jamarcus] Russell the new Ryan Leaf? (In saying this, I don't mean to insult Leaf.)"

"the Broncos were 6-0 with Brett Kern as their punter, and have gone 0-4 since waiving him. The Titans were 0-6 without Kern, and are 4-0 since claiming him off waivers from Denver."

"Somehow, Bill Belichick must be behind this."

"Stats of the Week No. 5: Against the Jets, Wes Welker had more receptions and receiving yards (15, 192) than all Jets receivers combined (8, 136)."

"Adventures in Officiating: In the Washington-at-Dallas contest, there was an eight-minute stoppage in play while officials and coaches argued about whether the Redskins should be called for … delay of game."

"More Proof of the Decline of Western Civilization: "LEVI JOHNSTON'S PLAYGIRL SHOOT WAS 'FANTASTIC,' INVOLVES HOCKEY STICK." -- Actual Associated Press headline last week."

"Falcons Meet Giants; Somebody Has to Win: Atlanta at Jersey/A was a desperation game for both teams, which were 2008 playoff clubs, but entered the contest on a combined 1-7 stretch."

"It's been only four games, but if the Titans keep winning, not only will Jeff Fisher's job be saved and 2010 look bright for the franchise -- Young will earn millions of dollars for Tim Tebow. For months, NFL scouts and touts have been debating whether Tebow should be a first-round pick. Young is the NFL player most similar to Tebow; if Young's comeback continues, Tebow's stock will soar."

"Single Worst Play of the Season -- So Far: Kansas City facing third-and-5 on its 35 in overtime against defending champion Pittsburgh, the Chiefs threw down-and-out to Chris Chambers, a player San Diego actively wanted to get rid of. Chambers caught for what looked like a short gain: He was surrounded by Steelers, and the Steelers tackle better than any other NFL team. Then he started to motor up the right sideline, and Pittsburgh defenders Ryan Clark, Tyrone Carter and Super Bowl MVP James Harrison all quit on the play. Watch the tape: All three jog rather than sprint after Chambers, each assuming somebody else will get him. But wait, Kansas City tight end Leonard Pope also quit on the play -- he's on the same sideline as his teammate but makes no attempt to block or hustle into the action; he just stands there watching. Chambers himself quits on the play! Reaching the Steelers' 4, Chambers simply steps out of bounds, rather than cut back, though there's only one man left to beat. Kansas City kicked the winning field goal on the next snap, but why didn't Chambers try to get into the end zone and conclude the matter? Pittsburgh Steelers and Kansas City Chiefs, you are both guilty of the single worst play of the season -- so far."

"You're all going to be penalized. You know that, don't you? What you are doing is not allowed."

Love for the cowboys... and more

"In sociological news, TMQ's Unified Field Theory of Creep holds that not just Christmas but everything is creeping. For instance, the annual Dallas Cowboys collapse in December. On Sunday at Green Bay, in mid-November, the Cowboys collapsed -- is there now Cowboys Creep? Trailing 17-0 in the final minute, Cowboys coach Wade Phillips left his offensive starters on the field, desperately trying to avoid a shutout. There are no BCS polls and no style points in the NFL -- with a true playoff format, all that matters is W's and L's. But Phillips fears for his job. Knowing there will be an extremely unpleasant year-end performance review session with Jerry Jones, he wanted to keep "we got shut out at Green Bay" out of his file."

Going for it on fourth down is bad?
"Wake Forest took the lead by three points in overtime against Georgia Tech, then Tech faced fourth-and-1 on the Wake 6. Rather than do the conservative thing and kick a field goal, advancing to another overtime, Georgia Tech coach Paul Johnson went for it; the team converted and then scored a game-winning touchdown. No sports site was headlined, "Johnson's blunder." "


"On Monday night, trailing 16-0 on the game's final snap, Cleveland attempted a ridiculous Stanford Band play (which should now be called a Trinity of Texas play), for no apparent purpose other than to keep "we got shut out on 'Monday Night Football'" from being on the agenda at Eric Mangini's year-end performance review. In an extreme display of poor sportsmanship, Mangini called all his timeouts in the final moments, when Baltimore led by 16 and was not trying to score but just trying to exhaust the clock. The motive was protecting Mangini's résumé, and the result of the ridiculous final play was a concussion for the Browns' Josh Cribbs. Exposing players to injury on a meaningless final down, just to improve your own employment prospects, is a serious coaching offense -- the football world should be mad at Mangini, not Belichick."

Stats of the Week No. 10: The four teams in the AFC North combined to score one offensive touchdown this week.

Adams draws $250K fine from NFL

So a guy gives the finger(s) to an opposing team and gets fined a quarter of a million dollars for "conduct detrimental to the NFL".

Somehow a systematic approach to cheating is only twice as "conduct detrimental to the NFL" as this?

The NFL's priorities are way out of whack. This is the sort of decision making that makes it the No Fun League.

Dear Wally,

I'll give you a penny and a 2c. stamp; you give me 6 eggs and a quarter. We'll call it even.

Thanks again for letting me live in San Diego.

Thanks to DJ Gallo for the caption.

You think you know how to sharpen a knife, but you don't.

Joel Bukiewicz is serious about his knives. The video's a bit long, but near the end he has a comment about where the best knives are made that made me laugh out loud (that's LOL, for those no longer fluent in English due to texting.).

The video may take a while to load; if you're having trouble, click on the post title to go to the page at Chow.com.