More football humor

"Cleveland
First, the Cavs choke in the 2009 playoffs. Second, the best two starters on the 2008 Indians start Game 1 of the 2009 World Series for two teams not named "Cleveland." Third, the Browns clean house and hire Eric Mangini, who takes that same house and sets it on fire with a flame thrower. Fourth, what could end up being LeBron's final Cavs season is distinguished early by Shaq looking like a bald Aretha Franklin and LeBron's body language occasionally lapsing into "I can't wait to find a new team; I am tired of playing with crap teammates" mode. And fifth, there are two nights of star-studded concerts to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame -- located in Cleveland, as you know -- and those concerts happen at Madison Square Garden.

Here's my question, God: What did Cleveland do to you?



Oakland
Let's say you're Shane Lechler. You are the best at what you do. You are your team's single most valuable guy. Through 11 games, you have punted 70 times for 3,633 yards (an astonishing 51.9 yards per kick). Not only are you No. 1 all-time for yards per punt (47.1), but you're also on pace to break the single-season record (51.4, held by Sammy Baugh) and become the first person to pass the 5,000-yard mark for punting yardage in one season. Why is this career year happening for you? Because, over the last six years -- and especially this season -- your franchise's ongoing incompetence allowed you to practice your craft in game situations more times than any other punter. Life is about reps, and you get an inordinate number of no-pressure, just-kick-the-ball-as-far-as-you-can reps.

Here's my question, Shane Lechler: Deep down, you kinda like being a Raider, right?

Seattle gave me one of the funniest moments of my book tour. We had stickies in each book that told me what each person's name was, only because we didn't want a situation where I thought I heard someone say, "Can you make it to Brian?" when he really said "Ryan." In Seattle, I was talking to someone when the guy behind him also put his book on the table. I grabbed what I thought was the first guy's book as he said, "Can you sign it 'F--- HOWARD SCHULTZ?'"

If you didn't know, Howard Schultz is the local Starbucks magnate who sold the Sonics to Oklahoma City businessman Clay Bennett even though everyone knew Bennett would immediately move the franchise. That's why Seattleites blame Schultz more than Bennett. Their feeling is that Bennett may have been a thief, but Schultz was the guy who left their house unlocked with the Sonics gift-wrapped along with a big sign that said "TAKE ME."

Anyway, it turns out that I had mistakenly grabbed the book of the second person in line, saw his stickie, wrote his name, then started writing "F--- Howard ..." The first guy in line noticed and said, "That's not my book; that's the guy behind me."

And the guy behind him goes, "No, no, that's fine; I was gonna ask you to write that, anyway."

The only reason they'd [the Jags] make for an interesting wild card? To see whether they could become the first NFL team to have a home playoff game blacked out."