^ Yeah, what that says, up there

Five years ago today I was wed to a woman I loved very much. At the time, it seemed like a brilliant idea, a continuation of the (mostly) interesting and exciting life we’d been living together for the previous four years.

As I write this, My iPod moves from Vince Gill “Trying’ to Get Over You”

Sure, I viewed marrying her mostly as a means of binding her to me; it seemed the only way to convince her to return to me. I had never wanted anything more in my life than I wanted “us”. When you look at it that way, is it not the reason all couples marry? So they have one more layer of security in their relationship? So they can say to the world, “This person finds in me something they want to keep forever and we shall not be parted.” Those who marry for love, anyway. Some marry for financial reasons, or “for the kid”, I suppose.

to Tim McGraw “Red Ragtop” and Randy Travis “On the Other Hand”

Things change after marriage. Not necessarily for the worse, but change they do. Of course, one could argue that change is the nature of all things, so it’s hard to say that the ceremony led to the change.

to Weezer “Damage in Your Heart”

I do not regret the decision to marry her. Don’t expect I ever will, either. At the time it was the right thing for me and (I believed, and still hope.) her.

Nine days from now will mark one year from the last day I lived in the same home with that woman.

to “He Stopped Loving Her Today” and Chris Cornell “Wave Goodbye“; while I sit and ponder this crazy, spontaneous play list

This, too, I believe this to be the right, if horribly painful, thing. Our other options were (it seems to me) her miserable because I refused to fulfill her most precious dream or me miserable because I did. I tried very hard for four years to learn to love her dream or at least share in it a bit. Immersing myself in it whenever I could muster the energy.

Only to find myself exhausted, crabby, and back to square one when finished.

to George Strait “Haven‘t You Heard“

To her I apologize if she feels like I wasted years of her life - I did try… and I’d do it again. Even knowing the outcome. Those years were precious to me. I’d not trade them.

to Pearl Jam “Last Kiss“

Now, after a nearly a year, the pain is not overwhelming. The melancholy is not unlike that which one feels for one’s youth. Sweet memories float through my mind as I recall the good times, distance dulls the (rather few, I think) bad.

I find myself glad for the flight delay that gives me time to write this. Not to mention the location (airport: home to tearful goodbyes, and homecomings as well as excited travelers bound for new places and terrified panic cases) that makes for good impetus.


I have lots of other things to be glad for, too. You can look around here and find nearly all of those things, if you’re interested. Sometimes it’s necessary to read between the lines.

Weezer “The World Has Turned“

Life, in general, is quite good for me. Today I am thankful (as I try to be most days - not everyone is this fortunate) for all the good in my life, but balance it with the awareness of pain I’ve caused, in the past near and distant, as well as the pain I’ll surely give to others to come.

Well, there’s my flight crew (finally, two hours late) and I must board my plane.

Finishing up with Dwight Yoakum “I‘d Avoid Me, Too“. Lovely electronics, not a sour note to be found.